On “Anticipating Spring,” my first CD, I included a piece called “Ben’s List” as the seventh track. The description on the CD cover was brief and relatively uninformative, and the piece itself was unlike the rest of the pieces on the CD. It was much more 20th century atonal in nature. This is the story of how that piece came to be.

My youngest son, Ben, was away at school in Iowa, when he penned a writing about his state of being at that time. He was pretty discouraged, and his mother and I were a bit concerned about him, as parents often are when their children are growing up away from home. Right at that point, he wrote this composition and posted it on his facebook page. At the same time, I was recording some music for possible inclusion on the CD, or at least for use on this then-new website. As I was taking a break, I checked my facebook, saw his posting, and read it. I was so blessed and inspired by his writing, that I put the computer on the piano where the music might normally be placed, and started reading and playing what I felt as I read. This recording is the result.

If you play the piece and read at the same time, you might be able to correlate certain passages to sections in the writing, but don’t try too hard. I wasn’t really doing that as I was playing. I was really just expressing my feelings about what I was reading.

Here’s the piano piece, and the writing that inspired it. Ben has given me his permission to include it here. Thanks Ben. You rock. You really do.

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So today I was sitting and just thinking, like I sometimes do. And I was thinking about how hard this semester has been. That this semester has been probably the hardest semester I’ve been through physically, emotionally, academically and spiritually. It’s been tough to say the least. I’ve failed at a lot of things this semester…probably almost everything. Around every corner I’ve looked I’ve found frustration, anger and guilt. My solids have become liquids…my softness has become hardness. So I was sitting there thinking, and I began listing all of my failures this semester. The list goes pretty deep. And I was sitting there getting more and more frustrated with myself. How could I fail in all the ways that I’ve failed?

Later on though I had a conversation with a good friend of mine. And she was telling me about how she was at Church last Sunday and they made a list of all the things they were thankful for. And she said that even after she left Church, she kept thinking and the list kept growing. And I was thinking to myself, wow, another thankful list. We do those all the time, they don’t really mean anything. But then I kept thinking. I thought to myself here I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself, making a list of all my failures, and what good is it doing me? Is it making me more happy? Is it encouraging me? Is it lifting me up when I am down? Is it giving me hope? How does my pessimistic attitude affect those around me? You see, my attitude has the potential to change people’s lives. Attitudes are blinders many time, and I’ve definitely been blinded by my own. Here I am thinking about all my failures, frustrated about all my failures, beating myself up about all my failures, and I can’t even think about the things I’m thankful for. Am I thankful for anything, or have I taken so much of this life for granted that I’ve given up the humbleness of my heart?

So I’m going to make a list of the things I’m thankful for. Though the frustration and hurt from this semester is still there, now it’s balanced out a little bit more. There was once just negativeness, which brewed darkness. Now if I can, even just for a moment, dwell on something I’m thankful for and hold on to that thing, I can begin to see a tiny pinhole of light in this dark place I’m currently at. And as the list grows, the light will grow too. And as that happens, maybe I’ll find that I really can keep walking after all. Hope grows out of the darkest of nights through the tiniest of lights. What will my light be? What will yours be?

Enough of the chit chat. Here’s my list. As you read it, I hope that you find some hope for yourself. A little piece of light for you.

(Some of these I could write forever on, so I’ll try to keep them short)

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Thankful:

-First and foremost I’m so thankful for God. I’m thankful that He really is there, and that even in the hard times, the times when I’ve found myself curled up on the floor crying (yes, this semester has brought a few of those times to say the least), He’s been there. That means a lot to me. I don’t have to see him, or hear him. I know he’s there because when I am on the floor crying, I feel his small still touch in my heart. I’m thankful for that.

-I’m thankful for my roommate. He’s patient and kind, and he puts up with a weird guy like me.

-I’m thankful to live in a nice warm dorm with individually climate controlled rooms.

-I’m thankful for my car.

-I’m thankful for the heart I have.

-I’m thankful for my past.

-I’m thankful for life. This may sound over used by anyone but I really am. Take just a moment and shut your eyes. As you do that concentrate only on breathing. Breathe in and out and pay attention to what that feels like- the air going into your lungs, coming back out. Think about how it feels… so smooth, rich, and cool. That’s life. That’s what life feels like, literally. We would have no life if it wasn’t for breath. And as I breathe in and feel how it feels, I’m thankful for it. I’m thankful for the possibilities that just one breath creates. If I couldn’t breathe, every dream I had, every aspiration I held on to, every accomplishment, and every failure, every relationship, and every part of my entire life would not be possible. So I’m thankful for my breath because it gives me possibility. It gives me life. And I’m thankful for life. I’m thankful because it’s a huge journey and I love journeys. I love mysteries, and that’s exactly what mine is. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and that excites me because I don’t know what great things, or frustrating failures lie in my future. But I’m ok with that, because I know that through it all God will be there, and in the end I’ll be better than when I started off. I’m thankful for the life that God gave me, and I will walk it out to the best of my ability.

-I’m thankful for Sodexo. They feed me.

-I’m thankful for the bed I’m laying on right now.

-I’m thankful for the tears. They cleanse my soul.

-I’m thankful for the smiles. They empower hope inside of me.

-I’m thankful for who I am… and who I will be.

-I’m thankful for the ability to wake up, and to live and be a college student, even though it’s hard at times. These are some of the greatest years of my life, and I’m thankful that I’m in that time now. I’m going to be able to look back later on in life and be able to remember a great time here at BV.

-I’m thankful for the opportunity to be a student. So many times I’ve found myself complaining about my homework, tests, teachers, or whatever I can find myself complaining about. But the reality is that I have a great blessing in being able to be here as a student. I’m thankful for that.

-I’m thankful for my family (and extended family). I’ve grown up in a great family. We’ve been through our trials, and we are scarred, but we’re still here, and I still love them, and always will love them. We’ve had our good times too. I have many great memories and I love that! I’m thankful that they’ve helped me through my life, and I through theirs. They haven’t given up on me, though I’ve been a piece of work sometimes. They’ve taught me to be who I am today. We’ve walked together for 20 years, and I look forward to many more years to come!

-I’m thankful for the calling on my life.

-I’m thankful to be able to pray in public.

-I’m thankful for freedom.

-I’m thankful for the country I live in.

-I’m thankful for each person I’ve ever met in my life.

-I’m thankful for my friends. Many times I find myself separated from my family, and my friends are always there. Whether back home or here at BV, I’ve always had the support I need, and I’m so very thankful for that. I’m thankful for the friends I grew up with. We’ve been through a lot together. I’m thankful for the friends here at BV. From the first day I was here I’ve met nothing short of great people, and I look forward to where those friendships will take me.

-I’m thankful for the people reading this.

-I’m thankful for the things other people are thankful for.

-I’m thankful for my mentors.

-I’m thankful that one day I will be a mentor.

-I’m thankful for my quirkiness.

-I’m thankful for tennis. We’ve been through a lot and it’s made me who I am today. It’s given me a passion that I’ll hold for the rest of my life, and I’m thankful for that.

-I’m thankful for my successes and trials. My successes give me hope, and my trials give me a path to walk on.

-I’m thankful for the things I own. God has blessed me. I hope to be able to bless others.

-I’m thankful that my heart isn’t whole. There’s always a void in my heart, and I always find myself looking, longing for more. God is amazing in that he can fill that void inside of me better than anything or anyone else can. It’s like the hole in my heart is shaped exactly like God is shaped. He fits perfectly. That’s why I’m thankful my heart isn’t whole. It leaves room for God to fit in me. And as he fits in me, he changes me. And it’s that change that’s so beautiful. It’s always for the better. That’s how I know he loves me. He’s taking me right now and making me into such a beautiful work of art. I can’t wait to see the finished product. Until then, I’ll continue to let him fit into my heart, and lead me in my life.

-I’m thankful for being weird.

-I’m thankful I’m loved, and can love others.

-I’m thankful for my football years.

-I’m thankful for all of the personalities inside of me (yeah, I am ghetto).

-I’m thankful for the wisdom imparted into me. Though it’s hard sometimes, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Wisdom is like gold. Job 28:18 says “Coral and jasper are not worthy of mention; the price of wisdom is beyond rubies.” Throughout my life I’ve been so blessed as to have many people impart much wisdom into me. I’m thankful for that.

-I’m thankful for my phone with a messed up touch screen.

-I’m thankful for my job(s).

-I’m thankful for the world I live in. I love nature! I love the stars and the sky and the earth and the trees and birds and animals and everything that God created. It’s all so beautiful to me. There’s almost no greater evidence in my mind that God exists than when I take a step outside at night and look up at the stars, or take a hike through the woods, or study the complexities of the human brain. This world is beautiful. The stars and moon are beautiful. I’m thankful to share in that. So thankful.

I’m thankful to be thankful.

The list could go on and on, but I’ll stop here…The bottom line is I’m thankful!
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I know alot of you have been through a tough semester also. I think it’s been a tough semester for everyone, and I know I’m not the only one beating myself up for it. But today, I dare you to be thankful. I dare you to open your heart to yourself (yes sometimes that’s the hardest thing- to open our hearts to ourselves) and let yourself be thankful, and watch and see what beauty that Thankfulness creates in your heart. I dare you to write a list of what you’re thankful of. Whether it be just one thing, or fifty things, write it down. And as you write it, think about it. And as you think about it, grab on to the light that it creates in your heart. Hold on to that light. It’s precious. And let that precious light guide you to the hope of the future. Yes, when the night is darkest, I dare you to be thankful. And as you are, you’ll see that the light was there all along. You just had to open your heart and turn it on.

I’m thankful for you. GOOD LUCK WITH FINALS AND CHRISTMAS AND EVERYTHING!!!